Karaoke Party

Dear Snide Atheist,
If I paid you $10, would you sing "Jesus Loves the Little Children" at our next karaoke party?
Jackie

Dear Jackie,
I offer my sympathy in regards to your recent massive brain damage! I'm sorry that I will not be able to accept your offer. First, I am unfamiliar with the pedophilia-themed chants of the various god-cults. And, secondly, you must be lying, as there really can't be people lame enough to actually have karaoke parties.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Cheating Wife?

Dear Snide Atheist,
My wife of 12 years is growing distant. Recently, she is going out late at nights. She doesn't return my calls. We haven't had sex in ages. Do you think she has become an atheist and is that reason enough to get an annulment? I have my eye on this new young thing.
Concerned Husband

Dear CB,
Any insult I could throw at you, would be nothing compared to the humiliation of the long, pathetic life ahead of you! I have no idea whether your wife is an atheist or not, but if your wife of 12 years is regularly getting boned by another man, then you're delusional if you think some new young thing is going to be interested in you. Unless, of course, by "new young thing," you mean the crackwhore who hangs out in the alley behind your house. In that case, I say "go for it." Just make sure you have plenty of baking soda and spoons on hand, so you don't get yourself in this situation again.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Heavenly Father

Dear Snide Atheist,
How can you deny that God is our Heavenly Father?
JesusLove

Dear JesusLove,
Answering your question makes me want to gouge my right eye out with a fork, which I would gladly do if I hadn't already gouged out my left one after simply reading your question! The reason I can deny your fairy tale is my father is that I do, in fact, know who my actual father is. Sometimes, I think to myself, "I wonder if my poor relationship with my father has something to do with my atheism?" Then, I come to my senses and tell myself to stop being a complete moron. Then I down a fifth of Jack and get ready for the night's orgy.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Warm Feeling in Chest from Reading the Bible

Dear Snide Atheist,
I know that the Bible is true because when I read it I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest and head.  No God, huh? Disproven!
Bill

Dear Bill,
I would weep for you if I had the ability to feel any emotions! It's not god that you're experiencing, it's merely the onset of a stroke. To be fair, many people get the same results when reading the confused musings of a bunch of ancient goat-herders who wandered around under the hot sun too much. I suggest you switch to Judy Blume. Superfudge is hilarious.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Circular Logic

Dear Snide Atheist,
God wrote the Bible, therefore everything the Bible says is true.  The Bible says that God exists, therefore God exists.  After you die, it's too late to change your mind, so why don't you believe in God, since it's been proven that He exists?
ChristianGal

Dear ChristianGal,
I've had belly-button lint that understood logic better than you do! This is what is commonly known as 'circular logic.' It's called circular, because that's the type of saw used to cut open the skulls of people who use it, so that their brains can be removed and made into something more useful, such as throw pillows or sponges.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Hating God

Dear Snide Atheist,
Why do you hate god so much?
Annie in Georgia

Dear Annie,
Why do you annoy me with nausea-inducing queries?! I don't hate god - I can't hate that which does not exist. That being said, if he did exist, I would hate him because he's a huge jerk and asshole who killed my childhood puppy and allowed the Holocaust to happen too. Why god, why?
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Intelligent Design and Bananas

Dear Snide Atheist,
How do you explain away the fact that bananas are clear proof of intelligent design?
RayComfortFan

Dear RCF,
I’m surprised you haven’t suffocated in your sleep…yet!  When people say “intelligent design,” they really mean, “look at me! I’m a frickin’ moron, and I want everyone to know it!”  The only thing bananas prove is that people don’t mind looking like idiots when they eat fruit.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist