December 21, 2010

Reason for the Season

Dear Snide Atheist,
In honor of Christmas, what do you think is "the reason for the season?"
Bert, OH


Dear Bert,
I see you've suffered brain damage, due to asphyxiation, from choking on a Christmas ornament...again!  Obviously, the "reason for the season" is to celebrate the glory of the coming of Christ, the savior of mankind and the Son of God.  Apparently, this is best accomplished by spending thousands of dollars on spoiled brats who already have too much crap, and by stuffing your fat mouth with junk food until you have explosive diarrhea.  Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 26, 2010

Sarah Palin

Dear Snide Atheist,
I was wondering if you could give us your take on Sarah Palin. Why do people listen to this fucktard? Is it me or are Americans getting more stupid by the day???
Pat B


Dear Pat B,
Certainly, these queries are getting more stupid by the day!  People listen to Sarah Palin because she represents real Americans.  You know, real Americans - ignorant, god-fearing, mouth-breathing, slobbering morons who can't tell the difference between boobs and brains.  When they get sexually excited from starting at their idol, Sarah Palin, they think they're being intellectually stimulated.  Then again, for them, this is probably true.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 22, 2010

Atheism a Religion

Dear Snide Atheist,
Is it true that atheism is just another religion and atheists worship science as god?
D.P.

Dear D.P.,
If ignorance was a paintbrush, you'd be freakin' Pablo Picasso! Atheism cannot be a religion. This can be proven logically using the following airtight argument: all atheists are smart; only dumb people are religious; therefore atheists cannot be religious; thereby atheism is not a religion. Additionally, it is not true that we worship science. We do highly value it however, as it provides us with new designer drugs, as well as improved medicines for healing our ravaged and abused bodies.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 19, 2010

Killing Kittens

Dear Snide Atheist,
If there is no God, who kills the kittens when I masturbate?

Spherical Basterd

Dear Spherical Basterd,
You'll be happy to know you and my left testicle share the same name!  Where did you hear such a ridiculous idea?  Don't worry about it.  Nobody kills kittens when you masturbate.  They simply commit suicide due to an inability to deal with the disgusting idea of you defiling yourself.  Personally, I don't blame them.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 18, 2010

Preparing Babies

Dear Snide Atheist,
When preparing babies or fetus for dinner, should I marinate them first or just use a dry rub? Also, can you recommend a good wine to go along with them.
Thanks,
Emeril


Dear Emeril,
I fear you've bammed your head one too many times!  The beauty of baby is that its delicious no matter how you prepare it.  Heck, sometimes I just tear chunks of the bone and gulp it down raw.  Regarding wine to serve with baby, I highly suggest the '82 Château Pétrus Pomerol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 16, 2010

Celebrating Christmas

Dear Snide Atheist,
Do you celebrate Christmas?  If so, do you have a Christmas tree?
Anne

Dear Anne,
I can see that you have an unhealthy obsession with phallic objects! Of course, I celebrate Christmas. The unbridled consumerism; the hedonistic gluttony and consumption of alcohol; the ceaseless arguing and aggression; the inevitable post-Christmas depression - Christmas was made for atheists. In fact, I didn't even know Christmas was supposed to be a religious holiday until I heard Bill O'Reilly yapping about it a couple of years ago. If this is the way that Christians celebrate the birth of their god, it could very well be a religion I could get behind! And yes, I do include a Christmas tree. Where else would I hang all my Christmas tree lights?
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 12, 2010

Doomed

Dear Snide Atheist.
God has you on his list,and he's marking it twice. You are doomed.

nogod

Dear nogod,
I'm less than surprised to see that your mental state has continued to deteriorate!  God can mark me on his list a thousand times for all I care.  That has nothing to do with the fact that I'm doomed.  I'm doomed simply because I'm stuck living in a world where the vast majority of people are delusional enough to believe in fairy tales about invisible sky daddies.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go baste the baby I have cooking in the oven.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 10, 2010

Getting Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses

Dear Snide Atheist,
I have a problem with Jehovah's witnesses. I can't act like I'm not home, because you can see right into my living room. Tell them you are atheist, you almost have to call the cops to have them removed. Do you have a sure fire method of getting them the fuck off of your porch so they NEVER come back? (Short of mace or tasering them.) Thanks!
K in TN


Dear K,
Proselytizers coming to your door are the least of your problems!  I find the best way to keep these types of vermin from banging on my door is by answering the door wearing nothing but an open bath robe.  Then again, this is pretty much how I always answer the door.  I wonder if this is why no Girl Scouts have come around selling cookies lately?  Damn, and I could really go for a Samoa.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 08, 2010

Cats and Dogs

Dear Snide Atheist,
My cat is an atheist but my dog is a devout christian. How can I mend this animosity between them?

nogod

Dear nogod,
You should really consider suing your parents for repeatedly dropping you on your head when you were an infant!  It will be difficult, but not impossible, to mend the animosity between your pets.  All you have to do is get your dog to stop being so delusional and to stop sniffing people's butts.  Admittedly, two behaviors which seem to be difficult for many of the devout to cease.  If that fails, I find leaving Christians tied-up in the back yard eventually helps correct bad behaviors.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 02, 2010

Anti-Social?

Dear Snide Atheist,
Where's your facebook page? Are you anti-social?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
If there is a god, he punishes humanity because of people like you!  Anti-social?  I don't have a Facebook page because I am social.  You know - going out, hanging out with people, yelling at them face to face like a normal human being, buying sex acts from them - being social.  Sorry to shatter everyone's illusions, but sitting in front of a computer screen, updating your "status" every five minutes doesn't make you social - it makes you a loser.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

November 01, 2010

Jesus' Sexual Habits

Dear Snide Atheist,
Did Jesus masturbate?

nogod

Dear nogod,
I see you're more concerned with letting Jesus into your pants, than your heart!  Of course Jesus didn't masturbate.  Back then, there were so many farm animals around, that a frisky boy like Jesus would never have had to resort to using his own hand.  He didn't get that reputation as a shepherd who loves his flock for nothing.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 29, 2010

The Snide Atheist Needs Your Questions

Dear Readers,
The Snide Atheist needs you.  Well, not really you, but your questions at least.  The Snide Atheist really couldn't give two craps about you.  However, this blog needs your questions to run.  It also needs copious amounts of Jack Daniel's, but I've got that covered.  So, get off your lazy collective asses and send me so friggin' questions.  Pretty please.  With god damn sprinkles on top.  Click HERE or send an email to thesnideatheist (at) gmail (dot) com. If you have a link to a blog or website that you want included, let me know and I'll make your name a link.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 28, 2010

Being Awesome

Dear Snide Atheist,
Is it difficult to be so awsome? No one has ever asked me that question so I should at least ask someone else.
Andy


Dear Andy,
Do you find it difficult being such a huge kiss-ass!?  Being awesome comes as easy to me as being delusional comes to religious people - pretty damn easy.  Although, from time-to-time, if I am feeling a bit less awesome than usual, I ask my mom to tell me how awesome I am.  When she laughs in my face, I then get smashed and pay a hooker to tell me how awesome I am while she blows me in the pews of the church up the street.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 26, 2010

What Jesus Did to Me

Dear Snide Atheist,
What exactly did Jesus do to you to cause such animosity?
C.M.

Dear C.M.,
I am shocked and dismayed that the doctors allow you to use a computer unsupervised! It is well-known that Jesus died for my sins. The problem is that I didn't ask that presumptuous jerk for anything. Why should I have to suffer through a lifelong guilt-trip because of the delusional self-righteousness of some hippy nutjob who lived millenia ago? Now, if he had deposited $10 for me in an interest-bearing account 2000 years ago, it'd be a whole different story.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 25, 2010

Wrong About God?

Dear Snide Atheist,
What if your wrong about God?
Stanman

Dear Stanman,
Your query seriously makes me wonder whether humanity has any redeeming characteristics whatsoever! Aside from your ignorance of what is known in English as a "contraction," you are also apparently unaware that, as an atheist, it is virtually impossible for me to be wrong. The whole reason for being an atheist, is so that you can be your own god. And, as everyone knows, god is omniscient. Therefore, atheists know everything, and cannot be wrong. In conclusion, your question is not only grammatically nonsensical, but also logically impossible.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 24, 2010

Atheists and AIDS

Dear Snide Atheist,
I've heard that people get AIDS the moment they become an atheist.  Is this true?
Del in Delaware

Dear Del,
I'm extremely impressed with your ability to use the internet after getting a frontal lobotomy! This is nothing more than a myth, and, in fact, exactly the opposite is true: the moment a person becomes religious they get AIDS (Acquired Intellectual Deficiency Syndrome). Fortunately, we have a vaccine which defends against this type of AIDS: be rational and avoid sharing used-up, irrational ideologies, particularly from religious junkies.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 22, 2010

Advice Blows

Dear Snide Atheist,
Why does all your advice blow?

Moonite

Dear Moonite,
If you've run out of tampons, buy some more, or simply borrow one from a friend! Obviously, my advice blows because it doesn't suck. If it's sucky advice you want, then look to religion.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 21, 2010

Suffering and Internet Porn

Dear Snide Atheist,
With all the suffering in the world, how do you get by in life without believing in god?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I sorely wish I had a 10 megaton nuclear weapon handy which I could place in your toilet and wire to go off when you sit down to take another crap like this one! The answer is very simple. I get by without god the same way I get by with being married: internet porn. And obscene amounts of alcohol, of course.

Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 19, 2010

Treatment of Fetuses

Dear Snide Atheist,
Is it true that atheists believe it's okay to rip fetuses straight from the womb, then rape, murder and eat them? Because there is no God, is everything allowed?
BoLio

Dear BoLio,
This is exactly the type of idiotic question that makes atheists want to rip fetuses out of women in the first place! Of course, it's technically okay, but no self-respecting atheist would rape the fetus before murdering it. Duh.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 18, 2010

Religious Ceremonies

Dear Snide Atheist,
Do you attend religious ceremonies and rituals of your friends and family? If so, how do you manage to get through them?
lilith in minnesota

Dear lilith,
What I really want to know is how I manage to get through these mind-numbingly idiotic queries! Actually, I do tend to avoid religious ceremonies my family and friends take part in. Although, in fact, I do find many religious ceremonies interesting and engaging on psychological, emotional, and sociological levels, and can appreciate the insight they provide regarding how these various rituals tie us together as human beings. I simply can't stand to be around my family and friends.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Inspiring Bible Passage

Dear Snide Atheist,
How can you deny the truth of the bible with verses like these:
Ezekiel 23:19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.

tweed

Dear tweed,
Finally, a good question! Now, please excuse me while I take my bible to the bathroom and lookup this verse to study it in more detail.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 15, 2010

Angels Getting Their Wings

Dear Snide Atheist,
I heard that an angel get its wings every time I run down an atheist in my car. Is this true?
MrS

Dear MrS,
I didn't realize they allowed people with advanced dementia to operate automobiles! The answer to your query, in fact, is yes. That is, if by "angel," you mean a huge, burly inmate in a federal penitentiary, and by "its wings," you mean your cornhole. Of course, access to this information would no doubt encourage many, many Christian men to furiously start running down atheists, so try to keep it under wraps.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Zeus vs. Thor

Dear Snide Atheist,
Who would win in a fight, Zeus or Thor?
Irashtar

Dear Irashtar,
I'm amazed that you haven't swallowed your own tongue and choked on it...yet!  Let's see, on one side we have a creepy, bearded rapist who married his sister.  On the other side we have a dimwitted, Scandinavian ginger who carries a hammer around like an idiot.  I really have no idea who would win in a fight between these two losers, but I can tell you that either one of them would beat the crap out of that wussbag hippy Jesus.  Then again, my 7 year old niece could wipe the floor with that pacifist wimp, so that's not saying much.

Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 14, 2010

Sex with Catholic Chick

Dear Snide Atheist,
I was thinking about having sex with this really hot Catholic chick. She says she's a virgin, and thus, doesn't have any STDs. Should I use a condom?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
That you even posed this question shows me that they should have removed you from life support years ago! Never ponder, just do. Regarding STDs, even if she wasn't a virgin, who cares? Why the heck do you think they invented antibiotics in the first place? This is one thing the Pope actually got right - using condoms is definitely a sin.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 13, 2010

Opinions of Theists

Dear Snide Atheist,
I am also an atheist, but lately, I've found myself respecting the opinions of a theist. Is this a problem, and, if so, what should I do?

rondog

Dear rondog,
Your brain should be used for more than simply filling up your cranium! There are plenty of theists whose opinions I respect. My drug dealer is a christian fundamentalist, yet his ability to judge the characteristics and quality of this week's shipment is amazing. Another friend of mine is extremely religious, yet he's always spot on about which women I should hook up with at orgies. Their fantasies about god have no impact on their opinions about things that matter. It's okay to respect the opinions of theists - just not their delusions.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 12, 2010

Asking for Forgiveness

Dear Snide Atheist,
I pray that you will repent and ask for forgiveness before it is too late. Don't you want to be saved?

HisLove

Dear HisLove,
I think you got lost on your way to your Morons Anonymous meeting! The whole point of being an atheist is so that you don't have to repent or ask forgiveness for anything. Also, so that you can sleep in on Sunday mornings, instead of dragging your butt out of bed to spend the morning listening to some fat, middle-aged, sexually repressed virgin try to tell you how to live your life.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 08, 2010

Tithing to Atheism

Dear Snide Atheist,
How much of your gross monthly income do you donate to the religion of atheism?
jobin

Dear jobin,
Your question makes me wish that Stalin was still alive! Atheism is not a religion - it is merely the absence of being a sucker. As a good, self-respecting atheist, I don't give money to anybody unless I absolutely have to. Why would I give it away, when it means more drugs, beer, and hookers for me? Everybody else needs to shell out for their own drugs, beer, and hookers.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 07, 2010

Taste of Baby

Dear Snide Atheist,
I hear atheists like to eat babies. What exactly do babies taste like?
Irene from Dublin

Dear Irene,
I think a leprechaun has stole your brain! This is a tough question to answer as it depends on the type of diet the baby was fed, the age of the baby, whether it was cage-free or not, and, of course, the skill and style of the chef. However baby is prepared though, it should always be served with a red wine, not white, as many people mistakenly believe.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 06, 2010

Atheist Vampires?

Dear Snide Atheist, 
I heard somebody say that atheists fear the light. Are atheists actually vampires? If so, how does one become an atheist? Biting?

Joe J.

Dear Joe J.,
You'd be well advised to not pass along your genes! You've been watching too much crappy adolescent sewage like Twilight. Vampires are no more real than Jesus, astrology, or Miley Cyrus' virginity. We do plenty of ritual sacrifices, but only of Christians, baby kittens, and loser teenagers who don't realize that goth went out of style two decades ago.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 05, 2010

Atheists in Denial

Dear Snide Atheist,
When are you going to realize that atheists live in denial?
DanDan

Dear DanDan,
Apparently your body is living in denial of the fact that your brain stopped working ages ago! Of course atheists live in denial. How else could we make it through the day? Just look at the facts. The vast majority of people walking around believe that some invisible sky daddy is going to reward them with eternal paradise after they die. That's frightening. The only way we can cope with constantly being surrounded by millions and millions of delusional nutjobs is to live in denial. When you're a sane person trapped in the nut house, denial is your only hope. Well, that and copious amounts of alcohol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 04, 2010

Woodchucks and Proselytizers

Dear Snide Atheist,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

H.W.

Dear H.W.,
Your ignorance makes me want to run to the kitchen and castrate myself with a melon-baller!  The answer is simple: enough to drive away the annoying bible-nuts who interrupted his relaxing Saturday by banging on his door to preach at him about their ridiculous, delusional fairy tales. What kind of idiot tries to convert a woodchuck in the first place? It's utter nonsense.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Pope's Reaction

Dear Snide Atheist,
How should the pope have reacted to the recent child abuse scandals?
Chloe B.

Dear Chloe,
I had to have my assistants restrain me from lobotomizing myself with a pen after reading your query! The 
pope should have responded the same as the responsible leader of any pedophilia-based organization - cover it up and lie his butt off. What if the head of NAMBLA sold out his fellow boy-lovers at the drop of a hat? What kind of example would that set? To be the leader of a group of middle-aged perverts, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to protect your fellow sickos. It's really the only way to display the kind of integrity which justifies your position.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

October 01, 2010

What's the Point?

Dear Snide Atheist,
As an atheist, I've been trying to get into the spirit of things by participating in orgies and committing all sorts of sin, but I don't really see the point any more. Can you help me out?
K.H.

Dear K.H.,
If your nose wasn't attached to your face, I bet you'd forget to do your line! No help is required - you're doing it correctly. The point is that there is no point. Living a life of selfish, hedonistic pleasure is simply to help divert us from the soul-crushing fact that life has no purpose or meaning. If you find yourself wondering what the point is, then you need to step it up. It's hard to ponder the pointlessness of life when passed out from downing a liter of Jack Daniel's.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Tootsie Pops and Klondike Bars

Dear Snide Atheist,
I have two questions for you:

1.How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
2.What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Duncan in NJ

Dear Duncan,
Too much junk food makes you a fat pimply loser, but I'm sure you're intimately familiar with that fact! The answer to both questions is the same: God is nothing but a comforting delusion for the weak-minded! Go eat a carrot or something.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

September 30, 2010

Karaoke Party

Dear Snide Atheist,
If I paid you $10, would you sing "Jesus Loves the Little Children" at our next karaoke party?
Jackie


Dear Jackie,
I offer my sympathy in regards to your recent massive brain damage! I'm sorry that I will not be able to accept your offer. First, I am unfamiliar with the pedophilia-themed chants of the various god-cults. And, secondly, you must be lying, as there really can't be people lame enough to actually have karaoke parties.
Sincerely,

The Snide Atheist

Cheating Wife?

Dear Snide Atheist,
My wife of 12 years is growing distant. Recently, she is going out late at nights. She doesn't return my calls. We haven't had sex in ages. Do you think she has become an atheist and is that reason enough to get an annulment? I have my eye on this new young thing.

Concerned Husband

Dear CB,
Any insult I could throw at you, would be nothing compared to the humiliation of the long, pathetic life ahead of you! I have no idea whether your wife is an atheist or not, but if your wife of 12 years is regularly getting boned by another man, then you're delusional if you think some new young thing is going to be interested in you. Unless, of course, by "new young thing," you mean the crackwhore who hangs out in the alley behind your house. In that case, I say "go for it." Just make sure you have plenty of baking soda and spoons on hand, so you don't get yourself in this situation again.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Heavenly Father

Dear Snide Atheist,
How can you deny that God is our Heavenly Father?
JesusLove

Dear JesusLove,
Answering your question makes me want to gouge my right eye out with a fork, which I would gladly do if I hadn't already gouged out my left one after simply reading your question! The reason I can deny your fairy tale is my father is that I do, in fact, know who my actual father is. Sometimes, I think to myself, "I wonder if my poor relationship with my father has something to do with my atheism?" Then, I come to my senses and tell myself to stop being a complete moron. Then I down a fifth of Jack and get ready for the night's orgy.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Warm Feeling in Chest from Reading the Bible

Dear Snide Atheist,
I know that the Bible is true because when I read it I get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest and head.  No God, huh? Disproven!
Bill

Dear Bill,
I would weep for you if I had the ability to feel any emotions! It's not god that you're experiencing, it's merely the onset of a stroke. To be fair, many people get the same results when reading the confused musings of a bunch of ancient goat-herders who wandered around under the hot sun too much. I suggest you switch to Judy Blume. Superfudge is hilarious.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Circular Logic

Dear Snide Atheist,
God wrote the Bible, therefore everything the Bible says is true.  The Bible says that God exists, therefore God exists.  After you die, it's too late to change your mind, so why don't you believe in God, since it's been proven that He exists?
ChristianGal

Dear ChristianGal,
I've had belly-button lint that understood logic better than you do! This is what is commonly known as 'circular logic.' It's called circular, because that's the type of saw used to cut open the skulls of people who use it, so that their brains can be removed and made into something more useful, such as throw pillows or sponges.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Hating God

Dear Snide Atheist,
Why do you hate god so much?
Annie in Georgia

Dear Annie,
Why do you annoy me with nausea-inducing queries?! I don't hate god - I can't hate that which does not exist. That being said, if he did exist, I would hate him because he's a huge jerk and asshole who killed my childhood puppy and allowed the Holocaust to happen too. Why god, why?
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Intelligent Design and Bananas

Dear Snide Atheist,
How do you explain away the fact that bananas are clear proof of intelligent design?
RayComfortFan


Dear RCF,
I’m surprised you haven’t suffocated in your sleep…yet!  When people say “intelligent design,” they really mean, “look at me! I’m a frickin’ moron, and I want everyone to know it!”  The only thing bananas prove is that people don’t mind looking like idiots when they eat fruit.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist