Dear Readers,
The Snide Atheist needs you. Well, not really you, but your questions at least. The Snide Atheist really couldn't give two craps about you. However, this blog needs your questions to run. It also needs copious amounts of Jack Daniel's, but I've got that covered. So, get off your lazy collective asses and send me so friggin' questions. Pretty please. With god damn sprinkles on top. Click HERE or send an email to thesnideatheist (at) gmail (dot) com. If you have a link to a blog or website that you want included, let me know and I'll make your name a link.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 29, 2010
October 28, 2010
Being Awesome
Dear Snide Atheist,
Is it difficult to be so awsome? No one has ever asked me that question so I should at least ask someone else.
Andy
Dear Andy,
Do you find it difficult being such a huge kiss-ass!? Being awesome comes as easy to me as being delusional comes to religious people - pretty damn easy. Although, from time-to-time, if I am feeling a bit less awesome than usual, I ask my mom to tell me how awesome I am. When she laughs in my face, I then get smashed and pay a hooker to tell me how awesome I am while she blows me in the pews of the church up the street.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Is it difficult to be so awsome? No one has ever asked me that question so I should at least ask someone else.
Andy
Dear Andy,
Do you find it difficult being such a huge kiss-ass!? Being awesome comes as easy to me as being delusional comes to religious people - pretty damn easy. Although, from time-to-time, if I am feeling a bit less awesome than usual, I ask my mom to tell me how awesome I am. When she laughs in my face, I then get smashed and pay a hooker to tell me how awesome I am while she blows me in the pews of the church up the street.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 26, 2010
What Jesus Did to Me
Dear Snide Atheist,
What exactly did Jesus do to you to cause such animosity?
C.M.
Dear C.M.,
I am shocked and dismayed that the doctors allow you to use a computer unsupervised! It is well-known that Jesus died for my sins. The problem is that I didn't ask that presumptuous jerk for anything. Why should I have to suffer through a lifelong guilt-trip because of the delusional self-righteousness of some hippy nutjob who lived millenia ago? Now, if he had deposited $10 for me in an interest-bearing account 2000 years ago, it'd be a whole different story.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
What exactly did Jesus do to you to cause such animosity?
C.M.
Dear C.M.,
I am shocked and dismayed that the doctors allow you to use a computer unsupervised! It is well-known that Jesus died for my sins. The problem is that I didn't ask that presumptuous jerk for anything. Why should I have to suffer through a lifelong guilt-trip because of the delusional self-righteousness of some hippy nutjob who lived millenia ago? Now, if he had deposited $10 for me in an interest-bearing account 2000 years ago, it'd be a whole different story.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 25, 2010
Wrong About God?
Dear Snide Atheist,
What if your wrong about God?
Stanman
Dear Stanman,
Your query seriously makes me wonder whether humanity has any redeeming characteristics whatsoever! Aside from your ignorance of what is known in English as a "contraction," you are also apparently unaware that, as an atheist, it is virtually impossible for me to be wrong. The whole reason for being an atheist, is so that you can be your own god. And, as everyone knows, god is omniscient. Therefore, atheists know everything, and cannot be wrong. In conclusion, your question is not only grammatically nonsensical, but also logically impossible.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
What if your wrong about God?
Stanman
Dear Stanman,
Your query seriously makes me wonder whether humanity has any redeeming characteristics whatsoever! Aside from your ignorance of what is known in English as a "contraction," you are also apparently unaware that, as an atheist, it is virtually impossible for me to be wrong. The whole reason for being an atheist, is so that you can be your own god. And, as everyone knows, god is omniscient. Therefore, atheists know everything, and cannot be wrong. In conclusion, your question is not only grammatically nonsensical, but also logically impossible.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 24, 2010
Atheists and AIDS
Dear Snide Atheist,
I've heard that people get AIDS the moment they become an atheist. Is this true?
Del in Delaware I've heard that people get AIDS the moment they become an atheist. Is this true?
Dear Del,
I'm extremely impressed with your ability to use the internet after getting a frontal lobotomy! This is nothing more than a myth, and, in fact, exactly the opposite is true: the moment a person becomes religious they get AIDS (Acquired Intellectual Deficiency Syndrome). Fortunately, we have a vaccine which defends against this type of AIDS: be rational and avoid sharing used-up, irrational ideologies, particularly from religious junkies.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 22, 2010
Advice Blows
Dear Snide Atheist,
Why does all your advice blow?
Moonite
Dear Moonite,
If you've run out of tampons, buy some more, or simply borrow one from a friend! Obviously, my advice blows because it doesn't suck. If it's sucky advice you want, then look to religion.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Why does all your advice blow?
Moonite
Dear Moonite,
If you've run out of tampons, buy some more, or simply borrow one from a friend! Obviously, my advice blows because it doesn't suck. If it's sucky advice you want, then look to religion.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 21, 2010
Suffering and Internet Porn
Dear Snide Atheist,
With all the suffering in the world, how do you get by in life without believing in god?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I sorely wish I had a 10 megaton nuclear weapon handy which I could place in your toilet and wire to go off when you sit down to take another crap like this one! The answer is very simple. I get by without god the same way I get by with being married: internet porn. And obscene amounts of alcohol, of course.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
With all the suffering in the world, how do you get by in life without believing in god?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I sorely wish I had a 10 megaton nuclear weapon handy which I could place in your toilet and wire to go off when you sit down to take another crap like this one! The answer is very simple. I get by without god the same way I get by with being married: internet porn. And obscene amounts of alcohol, of course.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 19, 2010
Treatment of Fetuses
Dear Snide Atheist,
Is it true that atheists believe it's okay to rip fetuses straight from the womb, then rape, murder and eat them? Because there is no God, is everything allowed?
BoLio
Dear BoLio,
This is exactly the type of idiotic question that makes atheists want to rip fetuses out of women in the first place! Of course, it's technically okay, but no self-respecting atheist would rape the fetus before murdering it. Duh.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Is it true that atheists believe it's okay to rip fetuses straight from the womb, then rape, murder and eat them? Because there is no God, is everything allowed?
BoLio
Dear BoLio,
This is exactly the type of idiotic question that makes atheists want to rip fetuses out of women in the first place! Of course, it's technically okay, but no self-respecting atheist would rape the fetus before murdering it. Duh.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 18, 2010
Religious Ceremonies
Dear Snide Atheist,
Do you attend religious ceremonies and rituals of your friends and family? If so, how do you manage to get through them?
lilith in minnesota
Dear lilith,
What I really want to know is how I manage to get through these mind-numbingly idiotic queries! Actually, I do tend to avoid religious ceremonies my family and friends take part in. Although, in fact, I do find many religious ceremonies interesting and engaging on psychological, emotional, and sociological levels, and can appreciate the insight they provide regarding how these various rituals tie us together as human beings. I simply can't stand to be around my family and friends.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Do you attend religious ceremonies and rituals of your friends and family? If so, how do you manage to get through them?
lilith in minnesota
Dear lilith,
What I really want to know is how I manage to get through these mind-numbingly idiotic queries! Actually, I do tend to avoid religious ceremonies my family and friends take part in. Although, in fact, I do find many religious ceremonies interesting and engaging on psychological, emotional, and sociological levels, and can appreciate the insight they provide regarding how these various rituals tie us together as human beings. I simply can't stand to be around my family and friends.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Inspiring Bible Passage
Dear Snide Atheist,
How can you deny the truth of the bible with verses like these:
Ezekiel 23:19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
tweed
Dear tweed,
Finally, a good question! Now, please excuse me while I take my bible to the bathroom and lookup this verse to study it in more detail.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
How can you deny the truth of the bible with verses like these:
Ezekiel 23:19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
tweed
Dear tweed,
Finally, a good question! Now, please excuse me while I take my bible to the bathroom and lookup this verse to study it in more detail.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 15, 2010
Angels Getting Their Wings
Dear Snide Atheist,
I heard that an angel get its wings every time I run down an atheist in my car. Is this true?
MrS
Dear MrS,
I didn't realize they allowed people with advanced dementia to operate automobiles! The answer to your query, in fact, is yes. That is, if by "angel," you mean a huge, burly inmate in a federal penitentiary, and by "its wings," you mean your cornhole. Of course, access to this information would no doubt encourage many, many Christian men to furiously start running down atheists, so try to keep it under wraps.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I heard that an angel get its wings every time I run down an atheist in my car. Is this true?
MrS
Dear MrS,
I didn't realize they allowed people with advanced dementia to operate automobiles! The answer to your query, in fact, is yes. That is, if by "angel," you mean a huge, burly inmate in a federal penitentiary, and by "its wings," you mean your cornhole. Of course, access to this information would no doubt encourage many, many Christian men to furiously start running down atheists, so try to keep it under wraps.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Zeus vs. Thor
Dear Snide Atheist,
Who would win in a fight, Zeus or Thor?
Irashtar
Dear Irashtar,
I'm amazed that you haven't swallowed your own tongue and choked on it...yet! Let's see, on one side we have a creepy, bearded rapist who married his sister. On the other side we have a dimwitted, Scandinavian ginger who carries a hammer around like an idiot. I really have no idea who would win in a fight between these two losers, but I can tell you that either one of them would beat the crap out of that wussbag hippy Jesus. Then again, my 7 year old niece could wipe the floor with that pacifist wimp, so that's not saying much.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Who would win in a fight, Zeus or Thor?
Irashtar
Dear Irashtar,
I'm amazed that you haven't swallowed your own tongue and choked on it...yet! Let's see, on one side we have a creepy, bearded rapist who married his sister. On the other side we have a dimwitted, Scandinavian ginger who carries a hammer around like an idiot. I really have no idea who would win in a fight between these two losers, but I can tell you that either one of them would beat the crap out of that wussbag hippy Jesus. Then again, my 7 year old niece could wipe the floor with that pacifist wimp, so that's not saying much.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 14, 2010
Sex with Catholic Chick
Dear Snide Atheist,
I was thinking about having sex with this really hot Catholic chick. She says she's a virgin, and thus, doesn't have any STDs. Should I use a condom?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
That you even posed this question shows me that they should have removed you from life support years ago! Never ponder, just do. Regarding STDs, even if she wasn't a virgin, who cares? Why the heck do you think they invented antibiotics in the first place? This is one thing the Pope actually got right - using condoms is definitely a sin.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I was thinking about having sex with this really hot Catholic chick. She says she's a virgin, and thus, doesn't have any STDs. Should I use a condom?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
That you even posed this question shows me that they should have removed you from life support years ago! Never ponder, just do. Regarding STDs, even if she wasn't a virgin, who cares? Why the heck do you think they invented antibiotics in the first place? This is one thing the Pope actually got right - using condoms is definitely a sin.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 13, 2010
Opinions of Theists
Dear Snide Atheist,
I am also an atheist, but lately, I've found myself respecting the opinions of a theist. Is this a problem, and, if so, what should I do?
rondog
Dear rondog,
Your brain should be used for more than simply filling up your cranium! There are plenty of theists whose opinions I respect. My drug dealer is a christian fundamentalist, yet his ability to judge the characteristics and quality of this week's shipment is amazing. Another friend of mine is extremely religious, yet he's always spot on about which women I should hook up with at orgies. Their fantasies about god have no impact on their opinions about things that matter. It's okay to respect the opinions of theists - just not their delusions.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I am also an atheist, but lately, I've found myself respecting the opinions of a theist. Is this a problem, and, if so, what should I do?
rondog
Dear rondog,
Your brain should be used for more than simply filling up your cranium! There are plenty of theists whose opinions I respect. My drug dealer is a christian fundamentalist, yet his ability to judge the characteristics and quality of this week's shipment is amazing. Another friend of mine is extremely religious, yet he's always spot on about which women I should hook up with at orgies. Their fantasies about god have no impact on their opinions about things that matter. It's okay to respect the opinions of theists - just not their delusions.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 12, 2010
Asking for Forgiveness
Dear Snide Atheist,
I pray that you will repent and ask for forgiveness before it is too late. Don't you want to be saved?
HisLove
Dear HisLove,
I think you got lost on your way to your Morons Anonymous meeting! The whole point of being an atheist is so that you don't have to repent or ask forgiveness for anything. Also, so that you can sleep in on Sunday mornings, instead of dragging your butt out of bed to spend the morning listening to some fat, middle-aged, sexually repressed virgin try to tell you how to live your life.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I pray that you will repent and ask for forgiveness before it is too late. Don't you want to be saved?
HisLove
Dear HisLove,
I think you got lost on your way to your Morons Anonymous meeting! The whole point of being an atheist is so that you don't have to repent or ask forgiveness for anything. Also, so that you can sleep in on Sunday mornings, instead of dragging your butt out of bed to spend the morning listening to some fat, middle-aged, sexually repressed virgin try to tell you how to live your life.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 08, 2010
Tithing to Atheism
Dear Snide Atheist,
How much of your gross monthly income do you donate to the religion of atheism?
jobin
Dear jobin,
Your question makes me wish that Stalin was still alive! Atheism is not a religion - it is merely the absence of being a sucker. As a good, self-respecting atheist, I don't give money to anybody unless I absolutely have to. Why would I give it away, when it means more drugs, beer, and hookers for me? Everybody else needs to shell out for their own drugs, beer, and hookers.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
How much of your gross monthly income do you donate to the religion of atheism?
jobin
Dear jobin,
Your question makes me wish that Stalin was still alive! Atheism is not a religion - it is merely the absence of being a sucker. As a good, self-respecting atheist, I don't give money to anybody unless I absolutely have to. Why would I give it away, when it means more drugs, beer, and hookers for me? Everybody else needs to shell out for their own drugs, beer, and hookers.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 07, 2010
Taste of Baby
Dear Snide Atheist,
I hear atheists like to eat babies. What exactly do babies taste like?
Irene from Dublin
Dear Irene,
I think a leprechaun has stole your brain! This is a tough question to answer as it depends on the type of diet the baby was fed, the age of the baby, whether it was cage-free or not, and, of course, the skill and style of the chef. However baby is prepared though, it should always be served with a red wine, not white, as many people mistakenly believe.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I hear atheists like to eat babies. What exactly do babies taste like?
Irene from Dublin
Dear Irene,
I think a leprechaun has stole your brain! This is a tough question to answer as it depends on the type of diet the baby was fed, the age of the baby, whether it was cage-free or not, and, of course, the skill and style of the chef. However baby is prepared though, it should always be served with a red wine, not white, as many people mistakenly believe.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 06, 2010
Atheist Vampires?
Dear Snide Atheist,
I heard somebody say that atheists fear the light. Are atheists actually vampires? If so, how does one become an atheist? Biting?
Joe J.
Dear Joe J.,
You'd be well advised to not pass along your genes! You've been watching too much crappy adolescent sewage like Twilight. Vampires are no more real than Jesus, astrology, or Miley Cyrus' virginity. We do plenty of ritual sacrifices, but only of Christians, baby kittens, and loser teenagers who don't realize that goth went out of style two decades ago.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I heard somebody say that atheists fear the light. Are atheists actually vampires? If so, how does one become an atheist? Biting?
Joe J.
Dear Joe J.,
You'd be well advised to not pass along your genes! You've been watching too much crappy adolescent sewage like Twilight. Vampires are no more real than Jesus, astrology, or Miley Cyrus' virginity. We do plenty of ritual sacrifices, but only of Christians, baby kittens, and loser teenagers who don't realize that goth went out of style two decades ago.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 05, 2010
Atheists in Denial
Dear Snide Atheist,
When are you going to realize that atheists live in denial?
DanDan
Dear DanDan,
Apparently your body is living in denial of the fact that your brain stopped working ages ago! Of course atheists live in denial. How else could we make it through the day? Just look at the facts. The vast majority of people walking around believe that some invisible sky daddy is going to reward them with eternal paradise after they die. That's frightening. The only way we can cope with constantly being surrounded by millions and millions of delusional nutjobs is to live in denial. When you're a sane person trapped in the nut house, denial is your only hope. Well, that and copious amounts of alcohol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
When are you going to realize that atheists live in denial?
DanDan
Dear DanDan,
Apparently your body is living in denial of the fact that your brain stopped working ages ago! Of course atheists live in denial. How else could we make it through the day? Just look at the facts. The vast majority of people walking around believe that some invisible sky daddy is going to reward them with eternal paradise after they die. That's frightening. The only way we can cope with constantly being surrounded by millions and millions of delusional nutjobs is to live in denial. When you're a sane person trapped in the nut house, denial is your only hope. Well, that and copious amounts of alcohol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 04, 2010
Woodchucks and Proselytizers
Dear Snide Atheist,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
H.W.
Dear H.W.,
Your ignorance makes me want to run to the kitchen and castrate myself with a melon-baller! The answer is simple: enough to drive away the annoying bible-nuts who interrupted his relaxing Saturday by banging on his door to preach at him about their ridiculous, delusional fairy tales. What kind of idiot tries to convert a woodchuck in the first place? It's utter nonsense.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
H.W.
Dear H.W.,
Your ignorance makes me want to run to the kitchen and castrate myself with a melon-baller! The answer is simple: enough to drive away the annoying bible-nuts who interrupted his relaxing Saturday by banging on his door to preach at him about their ridiculous, delusional fairy tales. What kind of idiot tries to convert a woodchuck in the first place? It's utter nonsense.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Pope's Reaction
Dear Snide Atheist,
How should the pope have reacted to the recent child abuse scandals?
Chloe B.
Dear Chloe,
I had to have my assistants restrain me from lobotomizing myself with a pen after reading your query! The pope should have responded the same as the responsible leader of any pedophilia-based organization - cover it up and lie his butt off. What if the head of NAMBLA sold out his fellow boy-lovers at the drop of a hat? What kind of example would that set? To be the leader of a group of middle-aged perverts, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to protect your fellow sickos. It's really the only way to display the kind of integrity which justifies your position.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
How should the pope have reacted to the recent child abuse scandals?
Chloe B.
Dear Chloe,
I had to have my assistants restrain me from lobotomizing myself with a pen after reading your query! The pope should have responded the same as the responsible leader of any pedophilia-based organization - cover it up and lie his butt off. What if the head of NAMBLA sold out his fellow boy-lovers at the drop of a hat? What kind of example would that set? To be the leader of a group of middle-aged perverts, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to protect your fellow sickos. It's really the only way to display the kind of integrity which justifies your position.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 01, 2010
What's the Point?
Dear Snide Atheist,
As an atheist, I've been trying to get into the spirit of things by participating in orgies and committing all sorts of sin, but I don't really see the point any more. Can you help me out?
K.H.
Dear K.H.,
If your nose wasn't attached to your face, I bet you'd forget to do your line! No help is required - you're doing it correctly. The point is that there is no point. Living a life of selfish, hedonistic pleasure is simply to help divert us from the soul-crushing fact that life has no purpose or meaning. If you find yourself wondering what the point is, then you need to step it up. It's hard to ponder the pointlessness of life when passed out from downing a liter of Jack Daniel's.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
As an atheist, I've been trying to get into the spirit of things by participating in orgies and committing all sorts of sin, but I don't really see the point any more. Can you help me out?
K.H.
Dear K.H.,
If your nose wasn't attached to your face, I bet you'd forget to do your line! No help is required - you're doing it correctly. The point is that there is no point. Living a life of selfish, hedonistic pleasure is simply to help divert us from the soul-crushing fact that life has no purpose or meaning. If you find yourself wondering what the point is, then you need to step it up. It's hard to ponder the pointlessness of life when passed out from downing a liter of Jack Daniel's.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Tootsie Pops and Klondike Bars
Dear Snide Atheist,
I have two questions for you:
1.How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
2.What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Duncan in NJ
Dear Duncan,
Too much junk food makes you a fat pimply loser, but I'm sure you're intimately familiar with that fact! The answer to both questions is the same: God is nothing but a comforting delusion for the weak-minded! Go eat a carrot or something.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I have two questions for you:
1.How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
2.What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Duncan in NJ
Dear Duncan,
Too much junk food makes you a fat pimply loser, but I'm sure you're intimately familiar with that fact! The answer to both questions is the same: God is nothing but a comforting delusion for the weak-minded! Go eat a carrot or something.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
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