Reason for the Season

Dear Snide Atheist,
In honor of Christmas, what do you think is "the reason for the season?"
Bert, OH

Dear Bert,
I see you've suffered brain damage, due to asphyxiation, from choking on a Christmas ornament...again!  Obviously, the "reason for the season" is to celebrate the glory of the coming of Christ, the savior of mankind and the Son of God.  Apparently, this is best accomplished by spending thousands of dollars on spoiled brats who already have too much crap, and by stuffing your fat mouth with junk food until you have explosive diarrhea.  Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Jesus' Sexual Habits

Dear Snide Atheist,
Did Jesus masturbate?
nogod

Dear nogod,
I see you're more concerned with letting Jesus into your pants, than your heart!  Of course Jesus didn't masturbate.  Back then, there were so many farm animals around, that a frisky boy like Jesus would never have had to resort to using his own hand.  He didn't get that reputation as a shepherd who loves his flock for nothing.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

What Jesus Did to Me

Dear Snide Atheist,
What exactly did Jesus do to you to cause such animosity?
C.M.

Dear C.M.,
I am shocked and dismayed that the doctors allow you to use a computer unsupervised! It is well-known that Jesus died for my sins. The problem is that I didn't ask that presumptuous jerk for anything. Why should I have to suffer through a lifelong guilt-trip because of the delusional self-righteousness of some hippy nutjob who lived millenia ago? Now, if he had deposited $10 for me in an interest-bearing account 2000 years ago, it'd be a whole different story.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Zeus vs. Thor

Dear Snide Atheist,
Who would win in a fight, Zeus or Thor?
Irashtar

Dear Irashtar,
I'm amazed that you haven't swallowed your own tongue and choked on it...yet!  Let's see, on one side we have a creepy, bearded rapist who married his sister.  On the other side we have a dimwitted, Scandinavian ginger who carries a hammer around like an idiot.  I really have no idea who would win in a fight between these two losers, but I can tell you that either one of them would beat the crap out of that wussbag hippy Jesus.  Then again, my 7 year old niece could wipe the floor with that pacifist wimp, so that's not saying much.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Atheist Vampires?

Dear Snide Atheist, 
I heard somebody say that atheists fear the light. Are atheists actually vampires? If so, how does one become an atheist? Biting?
Joe J.

Dear Joe J.,
You'd be well advised to not pass along your genes! You've been watching too much crappy adolescent sewage like Twilight. Vampires are no more real than Jesus, astrology, or Miley Cyrus' virginity. We do plenty of ritual sacrifices, but only of Christians, baby kittens, and loser teenagers who don't realize that goth went out of style two decades ago.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Karaoke Party

Dear Snide Atheist,
If I paid you $10, would you sing "Jesus Loves the Little Children" at our next karaoke party?
Jackie

Dear Jackie,
I offer my sympathy in regards to your recent massive brain damage! I'm sorry that I will not be able to accept your offer. First, I am unfamiliar with the pedophilia-themed chants of the various god-cults. And, secondly, you must be lying, as there really can't be people lame enough to actually have karaoke parties.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist