Sex with Catholic Chick

Dear Snide Atheist,
I was thinking about having sex with this really hot Catholic chick. She says she's a virgin, and thus, doesn't have any STDs. Should I use a condom?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
That you even posed this question shows me that they should have removed you from life support years ago! Never ponder, just do. Regarding STDs, even if she wasn't a virgin, who cares? Why the heck do you think they invented antibiotics in the first place? This is one thing the Pope actually got right - using condoms is definitely a sin.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Asking for Forgiveness

Dear Snide Atheist,
I pray that you will repent and ask for forgiveness before it is too late. Don't you want to be saved?
HisLove

Dear HisLove,
I think you got lost on your way to your Morons Anonymous meeting! The whole point of being an atheist is so that you don't have to repent or ask forgiveness for anything. Also, so that you can sleep in on Sunday mornings, instead of dragging your butt out of bed to spend the morning listening to some fat, middle-aged, sexually repressed virgin try to tell you how to live your life.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Atheist Vampires?

Dear Snide Atheist, 
I heard somebody say that atheists fear the light. Are atheists actually vampires? If so, how does one become an atheist? Biting?
Joe J.

Dear Joe J.,
You'd be well advised to not pass along your genes! You've been watching too much crappy adolescent sewage like Twilight. Vampires are no more real than Jesus, astrology, or Miley Cyrus' virginity. We do plenty of ritual sacrifices, but only of Christians, baby kittens, and loser teenagers who don't realize that goth went out of style two decades ago.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist