Sex with Catholic Chick

Dear Snide Atheist,
I was thinking about having sex with this really hot Catholic chick. She says she's a virgin, and thus, doesn't have any STDs. Should I use a condom?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
That you even posed this question shows me that they should have removed you from life support years ago! Never ponder, just do. Regarding STDs, even if she wasn't a virgin, who cares? Why the heck do you think they invented antibiotics in the first place? This is one thing the Pope actually got right - using condoms is definitely a sin.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Pope's Reaction

Dear Snide Atheist,
How should the pope have reacted to the recent child abuse scandals?
Chloe B.

Dear Chloe,
I had to have my assistants restrain me from lobotomizing myself with a pen after reading your query! The pope should have responded the same as the responsible leader of any pedophilia-based organization - cover it up and lie his butt off. What if the head of NAMBLA sold out his fellow boy-lovers at the drop of a hat? What kind of example would that set? To be the leader of a group of middle-aged perverts, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to protect your fellow sickos. It's really the only way to display the kind of integrity which justifies your position.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist