Dear Snide Atheist,
If there is no God, who kills the kittens when I masturbate?
Spherical Basterd
Dear Spherical Basterd,
You'll be happy to know you and my left testicle share the same name! Where did you hear such a ridiculous idea? Don't worry about it. Nobody kills kittens when you masturbate. They simply commit suicide due to an inability to deal with the disgusting idea of you defiling yourself. Personally, I don't blame them.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Showing posts with label animals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label animals. Show all posts
November 19, 2010
November 08, 2010
Cats and Dogs
Dear Snide Atheist,
My cat is an atheist but my dog is a devout christian. How can I mend this animosity between them?
nogod
Dear nogod,
You should really consider suing your parents for repeatedly dropping you on your head when you were an infant! It will be difficult, but not impossible, to mend the animosity between your pets. All you have to do is get your dog to stop being so delusional and to stop sniffing people's butts. Admittedly, two behaviors which seem to be difficult for many of the devout to cease. If that fails, I find leaving Christians tied-up in the back yard eventually helps correct bad behaviors.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
My cat is an atheist but my dog is a devout christian. How can I mend this animosity between them?
nogod
Dear nogod,
You should really consider suing your parents for repeatedly dropping you on your head when you were an infant! It will be difficult, but not impossible, to mend the animosity between your pets. All you have to do is get your dog to stop being so delusional and to stop sniffing people's butts. Admittedly, two behaviors which seem to be difficult for many of the devout to cease. If that fails, I find leaving Christians tied-up in the back yard eventually helps correct bad behaviors.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 01, 2010
Jesus' Sexual Habits
Dear Snide Atheist,
Did Jesus masturbate?
nogod
Dear nogod,
I see you're more concerned with letting Jesus into your pants, than your heart! Of course Jesus didn't masturbate. Back then, there were so many farm animals around, that a frisky boy like Jesus would never have had to resort to using his own hand. He didn't get that reputation as a shepherd who loves his flock for nothing.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Did Jesus masturbate?
nogod
Dear nogod,
I see you're more concerned with letting Jesus into your pants, than your heart! Of course Jesus didn't masturbate. Back then, there were so many farm animals around, that a frisky boy like Jesus would never have had to resort to using his own hand. He didn't get that reputation as a shepherd who loves his flock for nothing.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 18, 2010
Inspiring Bible Passage
Dear Snide Atheist,
How can you deny the truth of the bible with verses like these:
Ezekiel 23:19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
tweed
Dear tweed,
Finally, a good question! Now, please excuse me while I take my bible to the bathroom and lookup this verse to study it in more detail.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
How can you deny the truth of the bible with verses like these:
Ezekiel 23:19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
tweed
Dear tweed,
Finally, a good question! Now, please excuse me while I take my bible to the bathroom and lookup this verse to study it in more detail.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 04, 2010
Woodchucks and Proselytizers
Dear Snide Atheist,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
H.W.
Dear H.W.,
Your ignorance makes me want to run to the kitchen and castrate myself with a melon-baller! The answer is simple: enough to drive away the annoying bible-nuts who interrupted his relaxing Saturday by banging on his door to preach at him about their ridiculous, delusional fairy tales. What kind of idiot tries to convert a woodchuck in the first place? It's utter nonsense.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
H.W.
Dear H.W.,
Your ignorance makes me want to run to the kitchen and castrate myself with a melon-baller! The answer is simple: enough to drive away the annoying bible-nuts who interrupted his relaxing Saturday by banging on his door to preach at him about their ridiculous, delusional fairy tales. What kind of idiot tries to convert a woodchuck in the first place? It's utter nonsense.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
September 30, 2010
Hating God
Dear Snide Atheist,
Why do you hate god so much?
Annie in Georgia
Dear Annie,
Why do you annoy me with nausea-inducing queries?! I don't hate god - I can't hate that which does not exist. That being said, if he did exist, I would hate him because he's a huge jerk and asshole who killed my childhood puppy and allowed the Holocaust to happen too. Why god, why?
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Why do you hate god so much?
Annie in Georgia
Dear Annie,
Why do you annoy me with nausea-inducing queries?! I don't hate god - I can't hate that which does not exist. That being said, if he did exist, I would hate him because he's a huge jerk and asshole who killed my childhood puppy and allowed the Holocaust to happen too. Why god, why?
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
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