2011 Resolutions

Dear Snide Atheist,
So Snide, what would you like to accomplish in 2011?
Kelly M

Dear Kelly,
I'm happy to see the folks at the institute allow you access to the internet!  What do I hope to accomplish?  The same thing I accomplish every year - trying to fill in the soul-crushing emptiness and pointlessness of existence by passing out drunk every night after having unprotected sex with strangers.  I like to make resolutions I can stick to.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist 

Sex with Catholic Chick

Dear Snide Atheist,
I was thinking about having sex with this really hot Catholic chick. She says she's a virgin, and thus, doesn't have any STDs. Should I use a condom?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
That you even posed this question shows me that they should have removed you from life support years ago! Never ponder, just do. Regarding STDs, even if she wasn't a virgin, who cares? Why the heck do you think they invented antibiotics in the first place? This is one thing the Pope actually got right - using condoms is definitely a sin.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Pope's Reaction

Dear Snide Atheist,
How should the pope have reacted to the recent child abuse scandals?
Chloe B.

Dear Chloe,
I had to have my assistants restrain me from lobotomizing myself with a pen after reading your query! The pope should have responded the same as the responsible leader of any pedophilia-based organization - cover it up and lie his butt off. What if the head of NAMBLA sold out his fellow boy-lovers at the drop of a hat? What kind of example would that set? To be the leader of a group of middle-aged perverts, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to protect your fellow sickos. It's really the only way to display the kind of integrity which justifies your position.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Cheating Wife?

Dear Snide Atheist,
My wife of 12 years is growing distant. Recently, she is going out late at nights. She doesn't return my calls. We haven't had sex in ages. Do you think she has become an atheist and is that reason enough to get an annulment? I have my eye on this new young thing.
Concerned Husband

Dear CB,
Any insult I could throw at you, would be nothing compared to the humiliation of the long, pathetic life ahead of you! I have no idea whether your wife is an atheist or not, but if your wife of 12 years is regularly getting boned by another man, then you're delusional if you think some new young thing is going to be interested in you. Unless, of course, by "new young thing," you mean the crackwhore who hangs out in the alley behind your house. In that case, I say "go for it." Just make sure you have plenty of baking soda and spoons on hand, so you don't get yourself in this situation again.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist