Doomed

Dear Snide Atheist.
God has you on his list,and he's marking it twice. You are doomed.
nogod

Dear nogod,
I'm less than surprised to see that your mental state has continued to deteriorate!  God can mark me on his list a thousand times for all I care.  That has nothing to do with the fact that I'm doomed.  I'm doomed simply because I'm stuck living in a world where the vast majority of people are delusional enough to believe in fairy tales about invisible sky daddies.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go baste the baby I have cooking in the oven.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Woodchucks and Proselytizers

Dear Snide Atheist,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
H.W.

Dear H.W.,
Your ignorance makes me want to run to the kitchen and castrate myself with a melon-baller!  The answer is simple: enough to drive away the annoying bible-nuts who interrupted his relaxing Saturday by banging on his door to preach at him about their ridiculous, delusional fairy tales. What kind of idiot tries to convert a woodchuck in the first place? It's utter nonsense.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Heavenly Father

Dear Snide Atheist,
How can you deny that God is our Heavenly Father?
JesusLove

Dear JesusLove,
Answering your question makes me want to gouge my right eye out with a fork, which I would gladly do if I hadn't already gouged out my left one after simply reading your question! The reason I can deny your fairy tale is my father is that I do, in fact, know who my actual father is. Sometimes, I think to myself, "I wonder if my poor relationship with my father has something to do with my atheism?" Then, I come to my senses and tell myself to stop being a complete moron. Then I down a fifth of Jack and get ready for the night's orgy.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist