Pope's Reaction

Dear Snide Atheist,
How should the pope have reacted to the recent child abuse scandals?
Chloe B.

Dear Chloe,
I had to have my assistants restrain me from lobotomizing myself with a pen after reading your query! The pope should have responded the same as the responsible leader of any pedophilia-based organization - cover it up and lie his butt off. What if the head of NAMBLA sold out his fellow boy-lovers at the drop of a hat? What kind of example would that set? To be the leader of a group of middle-aged perverts, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to protect your fellow sickos. It's really the only way to display the kind of integrity which justifies your position.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist

Karaoke Party

Dear Snide Atheist,
If I paid you $10, would you sing "Jesus Loves the Little Children" at our next karaoke party?
Jackie

Dear Jackie,
I offer my sympathy in regards to your recent massive brain damage! I'm sorry that I will not be able to accept your offer. First, I am unfamiliar with the pedophilia-themed chants of the various god-cults. And, secondly, you must be lying, as there really can't be people lame enough to actually have karaoke parties.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist