Dear Snide Atheist,
I am also an atheist, but lately, I've found myself respecting the opinions of a theist. Is this a problem, and, if so, what should I do?
rondog
Dear rondog,
Your brain should be used for more than simply filling up your cranium! There are plenty of theists whose opinions I respect. My drug dealer is a christian fundamentalist, yet his ability to judge the characteristics and quality of this week's shipment is amazing. Another friend of mine is extremely religious, yet he's always spot on about which women I should hook up with at orgies. Their fantasies about god have no impact on their opinions about things that matter. It's okay to respect the opinions of theists - just not their delusions.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 13, 2010
October 12, 2010
Asking for Forgiveness
Dear Snide Atheist,
I pray that you will repent and ask for forgiveness before it is too late. Don't you want to be saved?
HisLove
Dear HisLove,
I think you got lost on your way to your Morons Anonymous meeting! The whole point of being an atheist is so that you don't have to repent or ask forgiveness for anything. Also, so that you can sleep in on Sunday mornings, instead of dragging your butt out of bed to spend the morning listening to some fat, middle-aged, sexually repressed virgin try to tell you how to live your life.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I pray that you will repent and ask for forgiveness before it is too late. Don't you want to be saved?
HisLove
Dear HisLove,
I think you got lost on your way to your Morons Anonymous meeting! The whole point of being an atheist is so that you don't have to repent or ask forgiveness for anything. Also, so that you can sleep in on Sunday mornings, instead of dragging your butt out of bed to spend the morning listening to some fat, middle-aged, sexually repressed virgin try to tell you how to live your life.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 08, 2010
Tithing to Atheism
Dear Snide Atheist,
How much of your gross monthly income do you donate to the religion of atheism?
jobin
Dear jobin,
Your question makes me wish that Stalin was still alive! Atheism is not a religion - it is merely the absence of being a sucker. As a good, self-respecting atheist, I don't give money to anybody unless I absolutely have to. Why would I give it away, when it means more drugs, beer, and hookers for me? Everybody else needs to shell out for their own drugs, beer, and hookers.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
How much of your gross monthly income do you donate to the religion of atheism?
jobin
Dear jobin,
Your question makes me wish that Stalin was still alive! Atheism is not a religion - it is merely the absence of being a sucker. As a good, self-respecting atheist, I don't give money to anybody unless I absolutely have to. Why would I give it away, when it means more drugs, beer, and hookers for me? Everybody else needs to shell out for their own drugs, beer, and hookers.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 07, 2010
Taste of Baby
Dear Snide Atheist,
I hear atheists like to eat babies. What exactly do babies taste like?
Irene from Dublin
Dear Irene,
I think a leprechaun has stole your brain! This is a tough question to answer as it depends on the type of diet the baby was fed, the age of the baby, whether it was cage-free or not, and, of course, the skill and style of the chef. However baby is prepared though, it should always be served with a red wine, not white, as many people mistakenly believe.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I hear atheists like to eat babies. What exactly do babies taste like?
Irene from Dublin
Dear Irene,
I think a leprechaun has stole your brain! This is a tough question to answer as it depends on the type of diet the baby was fed, the age of the baby, whether it was cage-free or not, and, of course, the skill and style of the chef. However baby is prepared though, it should always be served with a red wine, not white, as many people mistakenly believe.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 06, 2010
Atheist Vampires?
Dear Snide Atheist,
I heard somebody say that atheists fear the light. Are atheists actually vampires? If so, how does one become an atheist? Biting?
Joe J.
Dear Joe J.,
You'd be well advised to not pass along your genes! You've been watching too much crappy adolescent sewage like Twilight. Vampires are no more real than Jesus, astrology, or Miley Cyrus' virginity. We do plenty of ritual sacrifices, but only of Christians, baby kittens, and loser teenagers who don't realize that goth went out of style two decades ago.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I heard somebody say that atheists fear the light. Are atheists actually vampires? If so, how does one become an atheist? Biting?
Joe J.
Dear Joe J.,
You'd be well advised to not pass along your genes! You've been watching too much crappy adolescent sewage like Twilight. Vampires are no more real than Jesus, astrology, or Miley Cyrus' virginity. We do plenty of ritual sacrifices, but only of Christians, baby kittens, and loser teenagers who don't realize that goth went out of style two decades ago.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 05, 2010
Atheists in Denial
Dear Snide Atheist,
When are you going to realize that atheists live in denial?
DanDan
Dear DanDan,
Apparently your body is living in denial of the fact that your brain stopped working ages ago! Of course atheists live in denial. How else could we make it through the day? Just look at the facts. The vast majority of people walking around believe that some invisible sky daddy is going to reward them with eternal paradise after they die. That's frightening. The only way we can cope with constantly being surrounded by millions and millions of delusional nutjobs is to live in denial. When you're a sane person trapped in the nut house, denial is your only hope. Well, that and copious amounts of alcohol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
When are you going to realize that atheists live in denial?
DanDan
Dear DanDan,
Apparently your body is living in denial of the fact that your brain stopped working ages ago! Of course atheists live in denial. How else could we make it through the day? Just look at the facts. The vast majority of people walking around believe that some invisible sky daddy is going to reward them with eternal paradise after they die. That's frightening. The only way we can cope with constantly being surrounded by millions and millions of delusional nutjobs is to live in denial. When you're a sane person trapped in the nut house, denial is your only hope. Well, that and copious amounts of alcohol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 04, 2010
Woodchucks and Proselytizers
Dear Snide Atheist,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
H.W.
Dear H.W.,
Your ignorance makes me want to run to the kitchen and castrate myself with a melon-baller! The answer is simple: enough to drive away the annoying bible-nuts who interrupted his relaxing Saturday by banging on his door to preach at him about their ridiculous, delusional fairy tales. What kind of idiot tries to convert a woodchuck in the first place? It's utter nonsense.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
H.W.
Dear H.W.,
Your ignorance makes me want to run to the kitchen and castrate myself with a melon-baller! The answer is simple: enough to drive away the annoying bible-nuts who interrupted his relaxing Saturday by banging on his door to preach at him about their ridiculous, delusional fairy tales. What kind of idiot tries to convert a woodchuck in the first place? It's utter nonsense.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Pope's Reaction
Dear Snide Atheist,
How should the pope have reacted to the recent child abuse scandals?
Chloe B.
Dear Chloe,
I had to have my assistants restrain me from lobotomizing myself with a pen after reading your query! The pope should have responded the same as the responsible leader of any pedophilia-based organization - cover it up and lie his butt off. What if the head of NAMBLA sold out his fellow boy-lovers at the drop of a hat? What kind of example would that set? To be the leader of a group of middle-aged perverts, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to protect your fellow sickos. It's really the only way to display the kind of integrity which justifies your position.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
How should the pope have reacted to the recent child abuse scandals?
Chloe B.
Dear Chloe,
I had to have my assistants restrain me from lobotomizing myself with a pen after reading your query! The pope should have responded the same as the responsible leader of any pedophilia-based organization - cover it up and lie his butt off. What if the head of NAMBLA sold out his fellow boy-lovers at the drop of a hat? What kind of example would that set? To be the leader of a group of middle-aged perverts, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to protect your fellow sickos. It's really the only way to display the kind of integrity which justifies your position.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 01, 2010
What's the Point?
Dear Snide Atheist,
As an atheist, I've been trying to get into the spirit of things by participating in orgies and committing all sorts of sin, but I don't really see the point any more. Can you help me out?
K.H.
Dear K.H.,
If your nose wasn't attached to your face, I bet you'd forget to do your line! No help is required - you're doing it correctly. The point is that there is no point. Living a life of selfish, hedonistic pleasure is simply to help divert us from the soul-crushing fact that life has no purpose or meaning. If you find yourself wondering what the point is, then you need to step it up. It's hard to ponder the pointlessness of life when passed out from downing a liter of Jack Daniel's.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
As an atheist, I've been trying to get into the spirit of things by participating in orgies and committing all sorts of sin, but I don't really see the point any more. Can you help me out?
K.H.
Dear K.H.,
If your nose wasn't attached to your face, I bet you'd forget to do your line! No help is required - you're doing it correctly. The point is that there is no point. Living a life of selfish, hedonistic pleasure is simply to help divert us from the soul-crushing fact that life has no purpose or meaning. If you find yourself wondering what the point is, then you need to step it up. It's hard to ponder the pointlessness of life when passed out from downing a liter of Jack Daniel's.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Tootsie Pops and Klondike Bars
Dear Snide Atheist,
I have two questions for you:
1.How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
2.What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Duncan in NJ
Dear Duncan,
Too much junk food makes you a fat pimply loser, but I'm sure you're intimately familiar with that fact! The answer to both questions is the same: God is nothing but a comforting delusion for the weak-minded! Go eat a carrot or something.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I have two questions for you:
1.How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
2.What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Duncan in NJ
Dear Duncan,
Too much junk food makes you a fat pimply loser, but I'm sure you're intimately familiar with that fact! The answer to both questions is the same: God is nothing but a comforting delusion for the weak-minded! Go eat a carrot or something.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
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