Dear Snide Atheist,
So Snide, what would you like to accomplish in 2011?
Kelly M
Dear Kelly,
I'm happy to see the folks at the institute allow you access to the internet! What do I hope to accomplish? The same thing I accomplish every year - trying to fill in the soul-crushing emptiness and pointlessness of existence by passing out drunk every night after having unprotected sex with strangers. I like to make resolutions I can stick to.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
February 07, 2011
December 21, 2010
Reason for the Season
Dear Snide Atheist,
In honor of Christmas, what do you think is "the reason for the season?"
Bert, OH
Dear Bert,
I see you've suffered brain damage, due to asphyxiation, from choking on a Christmas ornament...again! Obviously, the "reason for the season" is to celebrate the glory of the coming of Christ, the savior of mankind and the Son of God. Apparently, this is best accomplished by spending thousands of dollars on spoiled brats who already have too much crap, and by stuffing your fat mouth with junk food until you have explosive diarrhea. Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
In honor of Christmas, what do you think is "the reason for the season?"
Bert, OH
Dear Bert,
I see you've suffered brain damage, due to asphyxiation, from choking on a Christmas ornament...again! Obviously, the "reason for the season" is to celebrate the glory of the coming of Christ, the savior of mankind and the Son of God. Apparently, this is best accomplished by spending thousands of dollars on spoiled brats who already have too much crap, and by stuffing your fat mouth with junk food until you have explosive diarrhea. Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 26, 2010
Sarah Palin
Dear Snide Atheist,
I was wondering if you could give us your take on Sarah Palin. Why do people listen to this fucktard? Is it me or are Americans getting more stupid by the day???
Pat B
Dear Pat B,
Certainly, these queries are getting more stupid by the day! People listen to Sarah Palin because she represents real Americans. You know, real Americans - ignorant, god-fearing, mouth-breathing, slobbering morons who can't tell the difference between boobs and brains. When they get sexually excited from starting at their idol, Sarah Palin, they think they're being intellectually stimulated. Then again, for them, this is probably true.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I was wondering if you could give us your take on Sarah Palin. Why do people listen to this fucktard? Is it me or are Americans getting more stupid by the day???
Pat B
Dear Pat B,
Certainly, these queries are getting more stupid by the day! People listen to Sarah Palin because she represents real Americans. You know, real Americans - ignorant, god-fearing, mouth-breathing, slobbering morons who can't tell the difference between boobs and brains. When they get sexually excited from starting at their idol, Sarah Palin, they think they're being intellectually stimulated. Then again, for them, this is probably true.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 22, 2010
Atheism a Religion
Dear Snide Atheist,
Is it true that atheism is just another religion and atheists worship science as god?
D.P.
Dear D.P.,
If ignorance was a paintbrush, you'd be freakin' Pablo Picasso! Atheism cannot be a religion. This can be proven logically using the following airtight argument: all atheists are smart; only dumb people are religious; therefore atheists cannot be religious; thereby atheism is not a religion. Additionally, it is not true that we worship science. We do highly value it however, as it provides us with new designer drugs, as well as improved medicines for healing our ravaged and abused bodies.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Is it true that atheism is just another religion and atheists worship science as god?
D.P.
Dear D.P.,
If ignorance was a paintbrush, you'd be freakin' Pablo Picasso! Atheism cannot be a religion. This can be proven logically using the following airtight argument: all atheists are smart; only dumb people are religious; therefore atheists cannot be religious; thereby atheism is not a religion. Additionally, it is not true that we worship science. We do highly value it however, as it provides us with new designer drugs, as well as improved medicines for healing our ravaged and abused bodies.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 19, 2010
Killing Kittens
Dear Snide Atheist,
If there is no God, who kills the kittens when I masturbate?
Spherical Basterd
Dear Spherical Basterd,
You'll be happy to know you and my left testicle share the same name! Where did you hear such a ridiculous idea? Don't worry about it. Nobody kills kittens when you masturbate. They simply commit suicide due to an inability to deal with the disgusting idea of you defiling yourself. Personally, I don't blame them.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
If there is no God, who kills the kittens when I masturbate?
Spherical Basterd
Dear Spherical Basterd,
You'll be happy to know you and my left testicle share the same name! Where did you hear such a ridiculous idea? Don't worry about it. Nobody kills kittens when you masturbate. They simply commit suicide due to an inability to deal with the disgusting idea of you defiling yourself. Personally, I don't blame them.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 18, 2010
Preparing Babies
Dear Snide Atheist,
When preparing babies or fetus for dinner, should I marinate them first or just use a dry rub? Also, can you recommend a good wine to go along with them.
Thanks,
Emeril
Dear Emeril,
I fear you've bammed your head one too many times! The beauty of baby is that its delicious no matter how you prepare it. Heck, sometimes I just tear chunks of the bone and gulp it down raw. Regarding wine to serve with baby, I highly suggest the '82 Château Pétrus Pomerol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
When preparing babies or fetus for dinner, should I marinate them first or just use a dry rub? Also, can you recommend a good wine to go along with them.
Thanks,
Emeril
Dear Emeril,
I fear you've bammed your head one too many times! The beauty of baby is that its delicious no matter how you prepare it. Heck, sometimes I just tear chunks of the bone and gulp it down raw. Regarding wine to serve with baby, I highly suggest the '82 Château Pétrus Pomerol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 16, 2010
Celebrating Christmas
Dear Snide Atheist,
Do you celebrate Christmas? If so, do you have a Christmas tree?
Anne
Dear Anne,
I can see that you have an unhealthy obsession with phallic objects! Of course, I celebrate Christmas. The unbridled consumerism; the hedonistic gluttony and consumption of alcohol; the ceaseless arguing and aggression; the inevitable post-Christmas depression - Christmas was made for atheists. In fact, I didn't even know Christmas was supposed to be a religious holiday until I heard Bill O'Reilly yapping about it a couple of years ago. If this is the way that Christians celebrate the birth of their god, it could very well be a religion I could get behind! And yes, I do include a Christmas tree. Where else would I hang all my Christmas tree lights?
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Do you celebrate Christmas? If so, do you have a Christmas tree?
Anne
Dear Anne,
I can see that you have an unhealthy obsession with phallic objects! Of course, I celebrate Christmas. The unbridled consumerism; the hedonistic gluttony and consumption of alcohol; the ceaseless arguing and aggression; the inevitable post-Christmas depression - Christmas was made for atheists. In fact, I didn't even know Christmas was supposed to be a religious holiday until I heard Bill O'Reilly yapping about it a couple of years ago. If this is the way that Christians celebrate the birth of their god, it could very well be a religion I could get behind! And yes, I do include a Christmas tree. Where else would I hang all my Christmas tree lights?
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 12, 2010
Doomed
Dear Snide Atheist.
God has you on his list,and he's marking it twice. You are doomed.
nogod
Dear nogod,
I'm less than surprised to see that your mental state has continued to deteriorate! God can mark me on his list a thousand times for all I care. That has nothing to do with the fact that I'm doomed. I'm doomed simply because I'm stuck living in a world where the vast majority of people are delusional enough to believe in fairy tales about invisible sky daddies. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go baste the baby I have cooking in the oven.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
God has you on his list,and he's marking it twice. You are doomed.
nogod
Dear nogod,
I'm less than surprised to see that your mental state has continued to deteriorate! God can mark me on his list a thousand times for all I care. That has nothing to do with the fact that I'm doomed. I'm doomed simply because I'm stuck living in a world where the vast majority of people are delusional enough to believe in fairy tales about invisible sky daddies. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go baste the baby I have cooking in the oven.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 10, 2010
Getting Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Dear Snide Atheist,
I have a problem with Jehovah's witnesses. I can't act like I'm not home, because you can see right into my living room. Tell them you are atheist, you almost have to call the cops to have them removed. Do you have a sure fire method of getting them the fuck off of your porch so they NEVER come back? (Short of mace or tasering them.) Thanks!
K in TN
Dear K,
Proselytizers coming to your door are the least of your problems! I find the best way to keep these types of vermin from banging on my door is by answering the door wearing nothing but an open bath robe. Then again, this is pretty much how I always answer the door. I wonder if this is why no Girl Scouts have come around selling cookies lately? Damn, and I could really go for a Samoa.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I have a problem with Jehovah's witnesses. I can't act like I'm not home, because you can see right into my living room. Tell them you are atheist, you almost have to call the cops to have them removed. Do you have a sure fire method of getting them the fuck off of your porch so they NEVER come back? (Short of mace or tasering them.) Thanks!
K in TN
Dear K,
Proselytizers coming to your door are the least of your problems! I find the best way to keep these types of vermin from banging on my door is by answering the door wearing nothing but an open bath robe. Then again, this is pretty much how I always answer the door. I wonder if this is why no Girl Scouts have come around selling cookies lately? Damn, and I could really go for a Samoa.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 08, 2010
Cats and Dogs
Dear Snide Atheist,
My cat is an atheist but my dog is a devout christian. How can I mend this animosity between them?
nogod
Dear nogod,
You should really consider suing your parents for repeatedly dropping you on your head when you were an infant! It will be difficult, but not impossible, to mend the animosity between your pets. All you have to do is get your dog to stop being so delusional and to stop sniffing people's butts. Admittedly, two behaviors which seem to be difficult for many of the devout to cease. If that fails, I find leaving Christians tied-up in the back yard eventually helps correct bad behaviors.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
My cat is an atheist but my dog is a devout christian. How can I mend this animosity between them?
nogod
Dear nogod,
You should really consider suing your parents for repeatedly dropping you on your head when you were an infant! It will be difficult, but not impossible, to mend the animosity between your pets. All you have to do is get your dog to stop being so delusional and to stop sniffing people's butts. Admittedly, two behaviors which seem to be difficult for many of the devout to cease. If that fails, I find leaving Christians tied-up in the back yard eventually helps correct bad behaviors.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
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