Dear Snide Atheist,
So Snide, what would you like to accomplish in 2011?
Kelly M
Dear Kelly,
I'm happy to see the folks at the institute allow you access to the internet! What do I hope to accomplish? The same thing I accomplish every year - trying to fill in the soul-crushing emptiness and pointlessness of existence by passing out drunk every night after having unprotected sex with strangers. I like to make resolutions I can stick to.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
February 07, 2011
December 21, 2010
Reason for the Season
Dear Snide Atheist,
In honor of Christmas, what do you think is "the reason for the season?"
Bert, OH
Dear Bert,
I see you've suffered brain damage, due to asphyxiation, from choking on a Christmas ornament...again! Obviously, the "reason for the season" is to celebrate the glory of the coming of Christ, the savior of mankind and the Son of God. Apparently, this is best accomplished by spending thousands of dollars on spoiled brats who already have too much crap, and by stuffing your fat mouth with junk food until you have explosive diarrhea. Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
In honor of Christmas, what do you think is "the reason for the season?"
Bert, OH
Dear Bert,
I see you've suffered brain damage, due to asphyxiation, from choking on a Christmas ornament...again! Obviously, the "reason for the season" is to celebrate the glory of the coming of Christ, the savior of mankind and the Son of God. Apparently, this is best accomplished by spending thousands of dollars on spoiled brats who already have too much crap, and by stuffing your fat mouth with junk food until you have explosive diarrhea. Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 26, 2010
Sarah Palin
Dear Snide Atheist,
I was wondering if you could give us your take on Sarah Palin. Why do people listen to this fucktard? Is it me or are Americans getting more stupid by the day???
Pat B
Dear Pat B,
Certainly, these queries are getting more stupid by the day! People listen to Sarah Palin because she represents real Americans. You know, real Americans - ignorant, god-fearing, mouth-breathing, slobbering morons who can't tell the difference between boobs and brains. When they get sexually excited from starting at their idol, Sarah Palin, they think they're being intellectually stimulated. Then again, for them, this is probably true.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I was wondering if you could give us your take on Sarah Palin. Why do people listen to this fucktard? Is it me or are Americans getting more stupid by the day???
Pat B
Dear Pat B,
Certainly, these queries are getting more stupid by the day! People listen to Sarah Palin because she represents real Americans. You know, real Americans - ignorant, god-fearing, mouth-breathing, slobbering morons who can't tell the difference between boobs and brains. When they get sexually excited from starting at their idol, Sarah Palin, they think they're being intellectually stimulated. Then again, for them, this is probably true.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 22, 2010
Atheism a Religion
Dear Snide Atheist,
Is it true that atheism is just another religion and atheists worship science as god?
D.P.
Dear D.P.,
If ignorance was a paintbrush, you'd be freakin' Pablo Picasso! Atheism cannot be a religion. This can be proven logically using the following airtight argument: all atheists are smart; only dumb people are religious; therefore atheists cannot be religious; thereby atheism is not a religion. Additionally, it is not true that we worship science. We do highly value it however, as it provides us with new designer drugs, as well as improved medicines for healing our ravaged and abused bodies.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Is it true that atheism is just another religion and atheists worship science as god?
D.P.
Dear D.P.,
If ignorance was a paintbrush, you'd be freakin' Pablo Picasso! Atheism cannot be a religion. This can be proven logically using the following airtight argument: all atheists are smart; only dumb people are religious; therefore atheists cannot be religious; thereby atheism is not a religion. Additionally, it is not true that we worship science. We do highly value it however, as it provides us with new designer drugs, as well as improved medicines for healing our ravaged and abused bodies.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 19, 2010
Killing Kittens
Dear Snide Atheist,
If there is no God, who kills the kittens when I masturbate?
Spherical Basterd
Dear Spherical Basterd,
You'll be happy to know you and my left testicle share the same name! Where did you hear such a ridiculous idea? Don't worry about it. Nobody kills kittens when you masturbate. They simply commit suicide due to an inability to deal with the disgusting idea of you defiling yourself. Personally, I don't blame them.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
If there is no God, who kills the kittens when I masturbate?
Spherical Basterd
Dear Spherical Basterd,
You'll be happy to know you and my left testicle share the same name! Where did you hear such a ridiculous idea? Don't worry about it. Nobody kills kittens when you masturbate. They simply commit suicide due to an inability to deal with the disgusting idea of you defiling yourself. Personally, I don't blame them.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 18, 2010
Preparing Babies
Dear Snide Atheist,
When preparing babies or fetus for dinner, should I marinate them first or just use a dry rub? Also, can you recommend a good wine to go along with them.
Thanks,
Emeril
Dear Emeril,
I fear you've bammed your head one too many times! The beauty of baby is that its delicious no matter how you prepare it. Heck, sometimes I just tear chunks of the bone and gulp it down raw. Regarding wine to serve with baby, I highly suggest the '82 Château Pétrus Pomerol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
When preparing babies or fetus for dinner, should I marinate them first or just use a dry rub? Also, can you recommend a good wine to go along with them.
Thanks,
Emeril
Dear Emeril,
I fear you've bammed your head one too many times! The beauty of baby is that its delicious no matter how you prepare it. Heck, sometimes I just tear chunks of the bone and gulp it down raw. Regarding wine to serve with baby, I highly suggest the '82 Château Pétrus Pomerol.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 16, 2010
Celebrating Christmas
Dear Snide Atheist,
Do you celebrate Christmas? If so, do you have a Christmas tree?
Anne
Dear Anne,
I can see that you have an unhealthy obsession with phallic objects! Of course, I celebrate Christmas. The unbridled consumerism; the hedonistic gluttony and consumption of alcohol; the ceaseless arguing and aggression; the inevitable post-Christmas depression - Christmas was made for atheists. In fact, I didn't even know Christmas was supposed to be a religious holiday until I heard Bill O'Reilly yapping about it a couple of years ago. If this is the way that Christians celebrate the birth of their god, it could very well be a religion I could get behind! And yes, I do include a Christmas tree. Where else would I hang all my Christmas tree lights?
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Do you celebrate Christmas? If so, do you have a Christmas tree?
Anne
Dear Anne,
I can see that you have an unhealthy obsession with phallic objects! Of course, I celebrate Christmas. The unbridled consumerism; the hedonistic gluttony and consumption of alcohol; the ceaseless arguing and aggression; the inevitable post-Christmas depression - Christmas was made for atheists. In fact, I didn't even know Christmas was supposed to be a religious holiday until I heard Bill O'Reilly yapping about it a couple of years ago. If this is the way that Christians celebrate the birth of their god, it could very well be a religion I could get behind! And yes, I do include a Christmas tree. Where else would I hang all my Christmas tree lights?
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 12, 2010
Doomed
Dear Snide Atheist.
God has you on his list,and he's marking it twice. You are doomed.
nogod
Dear nogod,
I'm less than surprised to see that your mental state has continued to deteriorate! God can mark me on his list a thousand times for all I care. That has nothing to do with the fact that I'm doomed. I'm doomed simply because I'm stuck living in a world where the vast majority of people are delusional enough to believe in fairy tales about invisible sky daddies. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go baste the baby I have cooking in the oven.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
God has you on his list,and he's marking it twice. You are doomed.
nogod
Dear nogod,
I'm less than surprised to see that your mental state has continued to deteriorate! God can mark me on his list a thousand times for all I care. That has nothing to do with the fact that I'm doomed. I'm doomed simply because I'm stuck living in a world where the vast majority of people are delusional enough to believe in fairy tales about invisible sky daddies. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go baste the baby I have cooking in the oven.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 10, 2010
Getting Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Dear Snide Atheist,
I have a problem with Jehovah's witnesses. I can't act like I'm not home, because you can see right into my living room. Tell them you are atheist, you almost have to call the cops to have them removed. Do you have a sure fire method of getting them the fuck off of your porch so they NEVER come back? (Short of mace or tasering them.) Thanks!
K in TN
Dear K,
Proselytizers coming to your door are the least of your problems! I find the best way to keep these types of vermin from banging on my door is by answering the door wearing nothing but an open bath robe. Then again, this is pretty much how I always answer the door. I wonder if this is why no Girl Scouts have come around selling cookies lately? Damn, and I could really go for a Samoa.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
I have a problem with Jehovah's witnesses. I can't act like I'm not home, because you can see right into my living room. Tell them you are atheist, you almost have to call the cops to have them removed. Do you have a sure fire method of getting them the fuck off of your porch so they NEVER come back? (Short of mace or tasering them.) Thanks!
K in TN
Dear K,
Proselytizers coming to your door are the least of your problems! I find the best way to keep these types of vermin from banging on my door is by answering the door wearing nothing but an open bath robe. Then again, this is pretty much how I always answer the door. I wonder if this is why no Girl Scouts have come around selling cookies lately? Damn, and I could really go for a Samoa.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 08, 2010
Cats and Dogs
Dear Snide Atheist,
My cat is an atheist but my dog is a devout christian. How can I mend this animosity between them?
nogod
Dear nogod,
You should really consider suing your parents for repeatedly dropping you on your head when you were an infant! It will be difficult, but not impossible, to mend the animosity between your pets. All you have to do is get your dog to stop being so delusional and to stop sniffing people's butts. Admittedly, two behaviors which seem to be difficult for many of the devout to cease. If that fails, I find leaving Christians tied-up in the back yard eventually helps correct bad behaviors.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
My cat is an atheist but my dog is a devout christian. How can I mend this animosity between them?
nogod
Dear nogod,
You should really consider suing your parents for repeatedly dropping you on your head when you were an infant! It will be difficult, but not impossible, to mend the animosity between your pets. All you have to do is get your dog to stop being so delusional and to stop sniffing people's butts. Admittedly, two behaviors which seem to be difficult for many of the devout to cease. If that fails, I find leaving Christians tied-up in the back yard eventually helps correct bad behaviors.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 02, 2010
Anti-Social?
Dear Snide Atheist,
Where's your facebook page? Are you anti-social?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
If there is a god, he punishes humanity because of people like you! Anti-social? I don't have a Facebook page because I am social. You know - going out, hanging out with people, yelling at them face to face like a normal human being, buying sex acts from them - being social. Sorry to shatter everyone's illusions, but sitting in front of a computer screen, updating your "status" every five minutes doesn't make you social - it makes you a loser.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Where's your facebook page? Are you anti-social?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
If there is a god, he punishes humanity because of people like you! Anti-social? I don't have a Facebook page because I am social. You know - going out, hanging out with people, yelling at them face to face like a normal human being, buying sex acts from them - being social. Sorry to shatter everyone's illusions, but sitting in front of a computer screen, updating your "status" every five minutes doesn't make you social - it makes you a loser.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
November 01, 2010
Jesus' Sexual Habits
Dear Snide Atheist,
Did Jesus masturbate?
nogod
Dear nogod,
I see you're more concerned with letting Jesus into your pants, than your heart! Of course Jesus didn't masturbate. Back then, there were so many farm animals around, that a frisky boy like Jesus would never have had to resort to using his own hand. He didn't get that reputation as a shepherd who loves his flock for nothing.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Did Jesus masturbate?
nogod
Dear nogod,
I see you're more concerned with letting Jesus into your pants, than your heart! Of course Jesus didn't masturbate. Back then, there were so many farm animals around, that a frisky boy like Jesus would never have had to resort to using his own hand. He didn't get that reputation as a shepherd who loves his flock for nothing.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 29, 2010
The Snide Atheist Needs Your Questions
Dear Readers,
The Snide Atheist needs you. Well, not really you, but your questions at least. The Snide Atheist really couldn't give two craps about you. However, this blog needs your questions to run. It also needs copious amounts of Jack Daniel's, but I've got that covered. So, get off your lazy collective asses and send me so friggin' questions. Pretty please. With god damn sprinkles on top. Click HERE or send an email to thesnideatheist (at) gmail (dot) com. If you have a link to a blog or website that you want included, let me know and I'll make your name a link.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
The Snide Atheist needs you. Well, not really you, but your questions at least. The Snide Atheist really couldn't give two craps about you. However, this blog needs your questions to run. It also needs copious amounts of Jack Daniel's, but I've got that covered. So, get off your lazy collective asses and send me so friggin' questions. Pretty please. With god damn sprinkles on top. Click HERE or send an email to thesnideatheist (at) gmail (dot) com. If you have a link to a blog or website that you want included, let me know and I'll make your name a link.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 28, 2010
Being Awesome
Dear Snide Atheist,
Is it difficult to be so awsome? No one has ever asked me that question so I should at least ask someone else.
Andy
Dear Andy,
Do you find it difficult being such a huge kiss-ass!? Being awesome comes as easy to me as being delusional comes to religious people - pretty damn easy. Although, from time-to-time, if I am feeling a bit less awesome than usual, I ask my mom to tell me how awesome I am. When she laughs in my face, I then get smashed and pay a hooker to tell me how awesome I am while she blows me in the pews of the church up the street.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Is it difficult to be so awsome? No one has ever asked me that question so I should at least ask someone else.
Andy
Dear Andy,
Do you find it difficult being such a huge kiss-ass!? Being awesome comes as easy to me as being delusional comes to religious people - pretty damn easy. Although, from time-to-time, if I am feeling a bit less awesome than usual, I ask my mom to tell me how awesome I am. When she laughs in my face, I then get smashed and pay a hooker to tell me how awesome I am while she blows me in the pews of the church up the street.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 26, 2010
What Jesus Did to Me
Dear Snide Atheist,
What exactly did Jesus do to you to cause such animosity?
C.M.
Dear C.M.,
I am shocked and dismayed that the doctors allow you to use a computer unsupervised! It is well-known that Jesus died for my sins. The problem is that I didn't ask that presumptuous jerk for anything. Why should I have to suffer through a lifelong guilt-trip because of the delusional self-righteousness of some hippy nutjob who lived millenia ago? Now, if he had deposited $10 for me in an interest-bearing account 2000 years ago, it'd be a whole different story.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
What exactly did Jesus do to you to cause such animosity?
C.M.
Dear C.M.,
I am shocked and dismayed that the doctors allow you to use a computer unsupervised! It is well-known that Jesus died for my sins. The problem is that I didn't ask that presumptuous jerk for anything. Why should I have to suffer through a lifelong guilt-trip because of the delusional self-righteousness of some hippy nutjob who lived millenia ago? Now, if he had deposited $10 for me in an interest-bearing account 2000 years ago, it'd be a whole different story.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 25, 2010
Wrong About God?
Dear Snide Atheist,
What if your wrong about God?
Stanman
Dear Stanman,
Your query seriously makes me wonder whether humanity has any redeeming characteristics whatsoever! Aside from your ignorance of what is known in English as a "contraction," you are also apparently unaware that, as an atheist, it is virtually impossible for me to be wrong. The whole reason for being an atheist, is so that you can be your own god. And, as everyone knows, god is omniscient. Therefore, atheists know everything, and cannot be wrong. In conclusion, your question is not only grammatically nonsensical, but also logically impossible.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
What if your wrong about God?
Stanman
Dear Stanman,
Your query seriously makes me wonder whether humanity has any redeeming characteristics whatsoever! Aside from your ignorance of what is known in English as a "contraction," you are also apparently unaware that, as an atheist, it is virtually impossible for me to be wrong. The whole reason for being an atheist, is so that you can be your own god. And, as everyone knows, god is omniscient. Therefore, atheists know everything, and cannot be wrong. In conclusion, your question is not only grammatically nonsensical, but also logically impossible.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 24, 2010
Atheists and AIDS
Dear Snide Atheist,
I've heard that people get AIDS the moment they become an atheist. Is this true?
Del in Delaware I've heard that people get AIDS the moment they become an atheist. Is this true?
Dear Del,
I'm extremely impressed with your ability to use the internet after getting a frontal lobotomy! This is nothing more than a myth, and, in fact, exactly the opposite is true: the moment a person becomes religious they get AIDS (Acquired Intellectual Deficiency Syndrome). Fortunately, we have a vaccine which defends against this type of AIDS: be rational and avoid sharing used-up, irrational ideologies, particularly from religious junkies.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 22, 2010
Advice Blows
Dear Snide Atheist,
Why does all your advice blow?
Moonite
Dear Moonite,
If you've run out of tampons, buy some more, or simply borrow one from a friend! Obviously, my advice blows because it doesn't suck. If it's sucky advice you want, then look to religion.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Why does all your advice blow?
Moonite
Dear Moonite,
If you've run out of tampons, buy some more, or simply borrow one from a friend! Obviously, my advice blows because it doesn't suck. If it's sucky advice you want, then look to religion.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 21, 2010
Suffering and Internet Porn
Dear Snide Atheist,
With all the suffering in the world, how do you get by in life without believing in god?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I sorely wish I had a 10 megaton nuclear weapon handy which I could place in your toilet and wire to go off when you sit down to take another crap like this one! The answer is very simple. I get by without god the same way I get by with being married: internet porn. And obscene amounts of alcohol, of course.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
With all the suffering in the world, how do you get by in life without believing in god?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I sorely wish I had a 10 megaton nuclear weapon handy which I could place in your toilet and wire to go off when you sit down to take another crap like this one! The answer is very simple. I get by without god the same way I get by with being married: internet porn. And obscene amounts of alcohol, of course.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
October 19, 2010
Treatment of Fetuses
Dear Snide Atheist,
Is it true that atheists believe it's okay to rip fetuses straight from the womb, then rape, murder and eat them? Because there is no God, is everything allowed?
BoLio
Dear BoLio,
This is exactly the type of idiotic question that makes atheists want to rip fetuses out of women in the first place! Of course, it's technically okay, but no self-respecting atheist would rape the fetus before murdering it. Duh.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
Is it true that atheists believe it's okay to rip fetuses straight from the womb, then rape, murder and eat them? Because there is no God, is everything allowed?
BoLio
Dear BoLio,
This is exactly the type of idiotic question that makes atheists want to rip fetuses out of women in the first place! Of course, it's technically okay, but no self-respecting atheist would rape the fetus before murdering it. Duh.
Sincerely,
The Snide Atheist
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